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Marisol and Snape Explain it All
The Kiki Bell Saga

The first question we ever recieved was from one Mrs. Kiki Bell, who gave us a question about some questionable habits of her husband. Answering the question with our usual sarcasm and wit, we realized that the problem was much more serious.

The Kiki Bell saga now merits its own glorious page. Kiki, if you're reading, drop us a line! How are you holding up? Did you really marry a funeral conductor??

You'll never let me forget that, will you?

Oh no, it's much too funny for that...

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Dear Marisol and Snape,
I am a housewife in England. My husband and I have just been married four years, and ever since last year, he's been disapearing at night. It's not another lady, I know that. But I think that I once saw him carrying a dark or black magic book. And when he comes home, he is covered in dirt and he always has some kind of strange thing in a basket in place of the book. I don't fancy him going out every night like this, and I wanted to know if you had any idea what he is doing. Thank you!

Kiki Bell

Dear Mrs. Bell,
What a riot! Your husband is no practician of Dark Magic! I am correct in assuming that your husband is a muggle-born wizard. I am guessing that you are right that your husband is not after another lady. Rather, he is a minister for funerals! You may think it's a Dark magic book, but I'm sure it is just a Bible, and the reason for the dirt on his robes is because he digs graves, and the basket is... well... he takes cookies for payment, which happened to come in a basket!

Don't you think this is a little far fetched? Kiki, next time he goes out follow him. Use a simple invisibility spell if you don't want to be noticed. Watch what he's doing, and write us back. We'll try to help you out then. And, if, by some weird chance, your husband IS a funeral preacher, just ask him to conduct daytime services.

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Dear Marisol and Snape,
Thank you very much for your advice! Although, Snape, your answer was soooooooo very wrong. He's no bloody funeral conductor, and those aren't cookies in the basket. I followed him, and he's been getting onto a boat, riding past the mist, into a small shed in a forrest. A strange smell came out of the chimney, and I passed out. When I awoke, my husband was picking purple plants out of the ground and mashing them up into a fine powder. I pretended I was still out of it, then I heard him say, "Finally! All my dreams will come true, and that damn Kiki will be gone!" And then he laughed, most terribly!

Kiki

Dear Mrs. Bell,
Oops.

Oops is right! This is serious! After reading what you said your husband said, Snape and I looked up in our plant books purple plants that could kill you.

Yes. The plant that seemed to match your description the best is jimsonweed. A member of the Nightshade family, this green or purple plant is extremely poisonous. Grazing cattle and sheep can die, and a couple bites could kill children.
Now, what to do?

Well, for starters, don't eat anything he gives you! I wonder if his wanting to kill you comes from just being evil, or because of some other reason?
Anyway, I would leave very quickly. There are a couple places you can go. St. Mungo's will keep you safe, however, you're probably not in the area.
In that case, go to your local department of the Ministry of Magic. They can investigate and find out if the plant is indeed jimsonweed, and will keep you safe if he decides to come and find you and finish you off.

The Ministry has... ways... to find out if your husband is indeed trying to kill you. If he is, then he will be brought to justice.

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Dear Marisol and Snape,
I brought a sample of the plant to the Ministry of Magic, and they told me that it was indeed jimsonweed. They also found out that his name Paul Bell was used just as a cover up and his real name is David O'Flannigan. The purple powder was being sold to You-Know-Who, and was being used to
kill many of the great wizards when you know who was still in power. Well, I figure that Paul or David used that plant to kill anyone who could stop You-Know-Who from rising to power again. Fortunately they took him and locked him up in Azkaban.

Kiki

Dear Kiki,
Congratulations! I'm glad that lunatic is now behind bars. I'm sorry you lost a husband. Better luck next time.

Maybe you can now marry a funeral conductor!

Or not. ^_^;;

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